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My husband is an alcoholic

My husband is hopefully a recovering alcoholic. He has gone through treatment 3 times. He has been sober almost 30 days. He is on the drug that makes you very ill if you drink. He says this time he is going to stay sober.

My main concern is, he has done a lot of damage to our marriage. Now that he is sober, I have asked him for some very basic needs, like a hug a day, taking me out to places I would like to go to.

Things don’t seem to be properly fit. Am I just wasting my time? I know when I ask for so little and get absolutely nothing, I get angry. Should I just give up?Bubu, Benin city Dear Bubu, It is very certain that your feeling have been burned several times.

Can you trust his recovery process? In fact, as you likely know, you can only take it one day at a time. His sobriety is very new; caution needs to be high. Maybe, before he can be a more loving and giving partner, he has to acclimate to his non-drinking status, to have further mind-body adaptation to his changing biochemical and psychological makeup. He also needs to confront his shame and make amends for the damage he’s done.

At the same time, you need the opportunity to express your hurt and anger both with him and, perhaps, with yourself if you enabled his problem drinking in any way.

All this is best handled with a counselor trained in substance abuse. When things are getting out of hand , you will need someone to help you do an intervention with your husband’s friends and family members. People close to your husband gather to share their concerns and confront your husband’s self-defeating and hurtful behavior. If your husband refuses an intervention, won’t go for treatment, then consider individual help as well.

These actions will help you clarify next steps in your life: you’ll be more clear and confident of your needs and wants, goals and direction with or without your husband.

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